.[ addendum**]

Had to call in the Calvary tonight.

Rangers.

Dude who had been stalking a chick for a fight across his time here. The girl left according to notes. Little, but with fire. Aggressive. He was itching for a fight & I smelled it on him. But she would’ve whupped his ass. IMO. It was all over her. Saw it last night.

Everything escalated prior to my arrival. Tried to all the more through my time on, him being caught looking for her. I remember thinking thank god she’d left. Later on things occurred &he was exiled. Rangers rode in right after he hightailed it out, fled into the hills. Multiple patrols.

Not standard issue here.

Place isn’t suited for such.

Gut told me to make the rounds & I did. Angrily concerned about her.

Went into a pitch black space and found her there, hours after she’d checked out. Hiding. In the dark.

In all the “what the hell?!” In both directions it slipped out of her mouth that he knew what time her bus was. She covered it up, re-bravado’d, but~

…THAT…got me.

I’d been uneasy, policing him all day because he seemed to be looking for her… And it turns out I’d been feeling her ass all day because she was fucking hiding on the floor below me.

Something huge happened in all of that. I felt compelled to tell her The truth, that I was “upset” because I’d been worried about Her.

When I growled to come upstairs she knew it was in Love.

…And it’s just like God because like 6 of them had showed up when I’d called. I was like “… Damn!” Lol. And they’d left, scoping the hills. But right after she finally came up one of them came back. The Brother.

Something made him come back and ask me for a writ after they’d cased. They’ve never done that. I gave it and I could see her armor. I could see she could handle her picayune self, that she was aggressive and combative…because she was Fucking exhausted.

And I saw her entire body change as she listened in on the Ranger getting the full-on from our side of the house. I saw it register to her that not just me, two others had been clocking the entire thing, protectively. For her.

She fucking exhaled.

…And shyly started responding to the Ranger’s authoritative energy.

I was shook by her being shook by being heard. And he was shook by us both being steadied by His presence.

All of it was deep.

All of it was precious.

All of it was powerful.

&this Ranger? He’s usually the one to show up when I call for them. It’s his beat. So he knows how I normally am. Gruff. Procedural. Irked I had to call. He knew that tonight was not the norm. For me.

& I… Just let myself be shaken for a breath in front of both of them. Fucking human my fucking self. Not something I normally get to stand in.

…She had cancelled a night here angrily trying to avoid that guy’s energy. Had been literally hiding out in a dark basement until a car was coming to take her to a bus. To avoid a fight with a Crazy man offended she wouldn’t speak to him.

After everything she morphed into this sweet, shy kid and extended, knowing she was safe & people were watching out for her. Turned out she’d come out here with an 88 key portable keyboard, was diving back into her music. That was the point of this trip.

It was all demonic.

I didn’t say it to her. But soon as she said that I was just like… When they can’t possess you to block your gift or curse with your negativity whomever God sent in as a blessing… they will do whatever they can to suppress it, attempting to oppress you through whoever they can trigger around you.

That season sucks. But it’s happening because you’ve already won. The drip down is in effect, the blessing is en route. But if they can divert you from the gift of now back into then your win may seem to sail by as you collapse unsettled by the reverbs of past shit.

But what I’ve learned is that your WIN…waits.

She shyly said “I’m going to go up there, pull out my keyboard and compose all night! That’s why I brought it all this way-”

& this is so weird to say but one day I’m going to Hear that fn song she got pulled out into these woods to unearth in herself. It may be on the other side of the veil, but I’m going to hear it, and know it.

I’m grateful for being reminded that the superwoman trope this world tends to try to give me no relief from- that I’ve ambivalently embraced solely because it’s been easier to make peace with that… I forgot it’s not an Amazon thing. It’s a Black woman thing gone through regardless of any other identifiers at work.

He kept reporting her…as aggressive and angry. Trigger words. Trying to put people on high alert about Her. As he was Fucking outright Stalking her.

The insanity in that, in him trying to use her righteous anger to get Her in trouble As he was trying to torment her-Seeing him lurking, looking for her-

…Is only eclipsed by the beauty I’m seeing, making myself see in the ones who’d documented all he’d done in that arc trying to fuck with her.

I called mgr and got the nod.

…I told him to get his things and Get out. He had Ten minutes.

I was that livid. I called the Rangers at minute three. Because I was THAT livid. That I needed to cut my interactions beyond get the fuck Out to nil.

It’s been an intense night. Beautiful night. Bittersweet night.

You get tired of having to be the strongest one in the room. When do you get to be sick? When you you get to be weak, think only about you?

…And the Craziest synergy in all of this? I finished reading Tonight, He comes on my dinner pause, Right before all this came to a head. The Original script for Hancock. Which is nothing like the film. But speaks straight into what I’m not saying in all of this.

I need to sleep.

Next two days are early.

Goodnight, moon.

*Addendum.

I just made myself go wash it all off me.

When I’d started writing this there was this numb anger. Because this had been going on since this guy had arrived. Pages of doc from jump. Everyone uneasy.

Why didn’t Anyone just say “Enough, you can’t do this here, leave”?

And the instant answer was “Because she’s Black. ” that made weariness hit hard, made me Have to write it off me, outta me.

In writing I made myself recognize a deeper truth. The tonality of “Because she was Black” didn’t fully match this situation. Couldn’t. The Exact tonal match for That vibe would’ve been no notes At All, her turning up dead. So reams of notes, tho a moot point on the other side of him escalating to an attack, stood out as different. Enough. I had to make that demarcation to sleep. To let me breathe.

“They Did care. They “were unnerved by him too.” It was all over the notes. All over their voices earlier in the day. And they knew… me.” I told myself.

I had to write it out to see they gave the fuck they did. Because color Has been an issue out here.

Repeatedly.

To see the beauty in them detailing moves taken With earlier incidents because they all knew where this was heading… seeing them as seeing her humanity… I needed that. To breathe.

It was important the Ranger came back too.

And that he was Black.

Because that is yet another element. The strength expected of us by the world usually is rooted in the men around us resenting us for looking to them in dangerous situations or leaving us hanging, us having to fend for ourselves eArly on. Not said in anger. Or referring to absence.

That HE came back. #ThatPart. & he told me his name & I forgot it and asked him again-and like I said we’ve met repeatedly- and was so mad I’d forgotten lol-in all this. He went “Nope- it’s ok, you’ve got a lot going on here you’re having to handle tonight- & I know this isn’t a normal night-”

It’s like how many ears can the same situation be turned on? It’s all processing.

I felt…Seen. And accepted. And reassured. For the first time in a long time out here.

We all did.

I think that’s the rub.

** and as I lay here between sleep I realize the beauty I’d been making me see at the end of writing was beauty I put on this. To get to sleep. Classic grieving process after the anger. Trying to spiral into denial.

It’s time to stop Doing that.

It’s time to face this.

Accept it.

Document it.

Those escalating notes?

The last set of them?

I had to Implore her to write them all the way down. In detail. Again. She’d started “telling” me about it, her tendency instead, said there were notes, and as usual her notes had NOT detailed what she was saying to me at that moment. I didn’t want to hear the dramatic flourishes, I needed her to put it in the book fully so IF something happened I Could fully do my job.

The nonsense being powder kegged for my shift has happened repeatedly. Managers have looked the other way in the midst of basically racially motivated incidents going down, expecting me to handle it, then resented me when I finally got to this zen place of “No,” and they had to come & stand in that managerial space they were supposed to for the police.

Tonight? They hemmed & hawwed when I called, pointed out they’d told her to hide down there to get away…and “Knew it was going to come to THIS”.

But they hadn’t asked Him to leave.

They told a young black girl who’d come to them enough to have all those notes in the book regarding this man alongside his coming and telling on her for her anger…blatantly Harassing her… They told her to hide in the fucking basement. Instead of putting this man out. And didn’t tell me It was after she’d checked out. So she was still there.

As he was roaming around, looking for her, like he could smell her.

And the interim wouldn’t come so Rangers wouldn’t Have to be called.

And the thing he’d done to get himself exiled on my watch? It dawned on me that they Both saw it. Because he kept propping the door open onto his debacle , which isn’t allowed, “losing keys,” getting new keys to strike up interactions. They kept going & closing the door to what he’d trashed. That’s all over the notes-the door- with no mention of the trash. He wanted to be caught. They both left it to me.

If he’d found her IN that basement instead of me.

That is why I’m awake.

That their judgement call allowed THAT as a possibility.

If his target had been blonde would it have been handled differently?

Yes.

It’s time to just face it.

Deal with it.

…There’s not been one person it has come to those kind of Ranger calls with…that ever should have been let in here, allowed to stay.

There’s not one explicit warning I’ve given on a person that, unheeded, didn’t birth exactly the kind of nonsense I’d warned about. To the letter. And I’ve spent months sifting this, shifting this weight, analyzing what’s been afoot… And the only thing impairing their hearing has been the color of My skin. Even with it pointed out in hindsight. With evidence.

…It’s the racism people don’t talk about. Some will believe a filthy, deranged, psychotic person when they have the same amount of melanin as them in comparison to the person reporting. It won’t even register As racism to them. As Groupthink.I thought about doctors. Discounting the pain of black mothers in childbirth. Autopilot assuming she’s lying. Letting us die.

The five other ones who showed up were the same skintone as the stalker. The one who came back on instinct & actually spoke to the victim …was not. The one who came in and asked for me to fill out paperwork… was not.

Even he said “why was he allowed to stay?…with 3 days of this?”

Just look at it.

At them. All.

And face IT.

They gave this psycho passes… And told a young black girl to hide in a dark basement instead of removing this man from the grounds. As the solution. I discovered her on the other side of putting him out. Ten+ hours later.

…If he’d found her.

I can’t shake “if he’d found her…”

There’s racism everywhere. Some places more stringent than others. But I’ve now officially had enough of this particular apathetic Bay seasoning.

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